


Home Is Where the Heart Is

by kyewopen



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hiatus, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Smut, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 16:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15514032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyewopen/pseuds/kyewopen
Summary: When Josh starts to have feelings for Tyler and the hiatus doesn't go as planned.





	Home Is Where the Heart Is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



Really, Josh should have known things would only go down from the first day of the hiatus. He should have known being away from Tyler for such a long amount of time would only escalate the tension between the two of them. But he’s always had a weird habit of taking the worst decisions, and that’s why he chose to withdraw into himself and to spend all his time in Los Angeles while Tyler was staying in Columbus with Jenna. Thinking about it now only made Josh cringe internally.

It started just before the tour de Columbus. Josh has been on edge for a few weeks now, and he couldn’t really understand why. He just knew he was angry all the time, like something was holding him back. It wasn’t truly anger, now he thought about it, it was a bittersweet feeling he couldn’t quite put a name on. Tyler knew something was wrong, because Josh had never been able to hide something from him. He had asked questions about it, but how could Josh explain what was really wrong with him when he had no clue what was really happening himself?

There wasn’t so much tension between him and his best-friend just yet. Tyler had just tried to be there for him but when he saw that Josh wasn’t being very cooperative, Josh just supposed that his best-friend only tried to give him some space for a little while, so he could figure things out by himself.

And little by little, that what he did. Little by little, he realized he wasn’t _always_ on edge. He was only on edge when someone specific was around. Jenna. At first, he didn’t think anything of it. He had always loved Jenna with his whole heart. She was the sweetest girl he knew, and he had always wondered if it was humanly possible to hate her.

But then, this minor irritation suddenly turned into a whole new and overwhelming feeling that could make him sick to his stomach. And as time was passing by, Josh eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn’t Jenna herself who was pushing him over the edge, it was her and Tyler. Whenever they were together, Josh could feel this burning sensation in his stomach. That’s when he realized it wasn’t anger. It was jealousy.

He was helplessly in love with his best-friend.

He then started keeping his distance from Tyler. They were already five months in the hiatus, so it wasn’t that hard to do since he was in Los Angeles and Tyler was in Columbus with Jenna. It was also the only way he could think of to get rid of his feelings for his best-friend. Of course, they had to call each other a few times to discuss the new songs, but Josh tended to avoid him as best as he could, so he didn’t have to think of the jealousy that was eating him alive.

Which leads us to now. Josh is in his room. His childhood room, in his parents’ house. He has went back to Columbus the day before because he has a meeting with Tyler and a few other people to discuss the new tour and the music videos they wanted to film. The hiatus has started for about seven months now, meaning Josh hasn’t really talked to Tyler for about 12 weeks, and saying he is anxious to see him again would be an understatement.

‘Josh? Can I come in?’ Jordan asks, and Josh only sits down straight on his bed before speaking.

‘Yeah, of course.’

He gives his little brother a small smile before moving to the right, so his brother can sit next to him.

‘So.’

‘So?’ Josh repeats, confused.

‘I know you and Tyler didn’t really talk during the hiatus, or at least during the past three months.’ Jordan says, out of the blue.

‘You do?’

‘Well, you know, Tyler is pretty much part of the family so when he couldn’t hear anything from you, he just started texting me instead.’

‘Great.’

‘Asking me how you were doing.’

‘Yeah… Well, I’m fine.’

‘That’s what I told him. But he wasn’t convinced. Considering you didn’t answer his texts and avoided him completely.’

‘I didn’t… It wasn’t like that.’ Josh says, trying to make himself look better.

‘But it was, wasn’t it? You did avoid him.’

‘I…’

‘Look, I’m not going to try and get you to tell me the truth. Because it’s not my business and I’m sure you have your reasons. But I’m just saying. You’ve been avoiding him for three months now, and I’ve never seen him more scared and frustrated. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, Josh. Jenna even texted me at some point to ask me if I knew anything. He’s a mess.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Josh only says, lowering his head.

‘I’m not the one you should apologize to, Josh. Don’t ruin this, okay? He’s your best-friend. ‘Jordan says, making his way towards the door of his room.

‘Yeah, well, that’s the issue here.’ Josh says in a low voice.

‘What did you say?’ Jordan asks, confused. ‘How is it an issue?’

‘Because, Jordan.’ Josh starts. ‘I’m in love with him.’ He says. His little brother suddenly opens his eyes wide and answers nothing for a while, probably not knowing what to say, and Josh doesn’t blame him. He wouldn’t know either. This must come as quite a shock considering he’s never really told anyone he was bisexual. And to be honest, he doesn’t even know if he’s bisexual. Sometimes, he thinks that it’s just Tyler.

‘And… And I’m assuming he doesn’t know about it, right?’

‘Of course he doesn’t, Jordan, what do you think he would do about it anyway? He’s happily married to Jenna.’

‘Yeah… That makes sense.’ Jordan says, sitting back on the same spot as a few minutes before. ‘When… When did you find out?’

‘I don’t know, really.’ Josh starts, running one of his hands through his hair. ‘I mean, we’ve always been close, you know?’

‘Yeah, that’s… That’s an understatement. I don’t know why I’m so surprised, really.’

‘Yeah. Anyway, I was constantly on edge during the tour de Columbus, and… I don’t know, at first, I thought it was because I was tired and stressed about the shows and the constant pressure, but then… I just realized it wasn’t it. I was jealous. Seeing him with Jenna all the time, I… It was messing with my head, and I… I just couldn’t take it anymore, you know? Even talking to him, I… It was always reminding me of how much I love him. So, I just decided to leave. Go back to Los Angeles for a while and try to forget about him.’

‘And I guess it didn’t work.’

‘It only made things worse.’ Josh says, sighing.

‘Maybe you should try and talk to him.’

‘I don’t think I will have a choice anyway.’

‘I’m sorry.’ His brother only says after a while. ‘I’m sorry this happens to you. I know how much it hurts.’

Josh gives him a small smile and wraps his arms around him to give him a quick hug. It only lasts for a few seconds, though, and Josh is soon moving away. They’re used to talk about deep things, but they’ve never been really affectionate. Jordan is not a very tactile person and Josh always tries to respect his boundaries as much as he can.

After a few minutes, he decides to go downstairs where his parents are both waiting for him. He didn’t really have time to catch up with them the day before, it was really late when his plane landed in Columbus and all he wanted to do was to sleep during ten whole hours. And that’s what he did.

‘How are you doing, sweetie?’ His mom asks as soon as he enters the living-room. ‘It’s nice to have you back here.’

‘Well, it’s nice to be back, mom.’ Josh only answers with a smile.

His father is about to say something but then, Josh’s phone vibrates and this one quickly picks up, frowning when he notices that Jenna is calling him.

‘Jenna? What’s up?’

‘You’re back in town, right?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, I just got there last night.’

‘Why didn’t you warn Tyler?’

‘I just… I just didn’t think it was necessary. We have a meeting next week anyway. Tell him not to worry, alright?’

‘Well, you’ll have to tell him yourself.’

‘What?’

‘He’s on his way, Josh. And he’s not happy.’

‘Shit.’ Josh curses while hanging up.

Tyler and Jenna’s house is only a ten minutes’ drive away from his parent’s house and Josh only has time to turn his head towards the window to see that Tyler is already parking his car on the pavement, behind his dad’s. He can already feel his heart pounding against his chest and he has the presence of mind to get out of the house before Tyler even knocks on the door. The last thing Josh wants is to argue with him in front of his whole family, especially his parents.

‘Hey bro.’ Josh dares saying when Tyler’s eyes fall on him. ‘How are you do-’

‘You better have a damn good explanation.’ Tyler cuts him off, without even taking the time to say hi. And Josh knows he’s screwed.

He stays quiet for a few seconds. Tyler caught him off-guard and Josh didn’t have time to think about what he could say to his friend to make him less suspicious and angry, but this one doesn’t let him the time anyway because he speaks again, raising his voice.

‘It’s been three fucking months, Josh.’

‘I… I know.’

‘I’ve been worried sick.’ Tyler adds. He sounds so hurt Josh could start crying right there, on the pavement.

‘I’m sorry.’ He only says, his voice low.

‘What’s going on?’ Tyler asks, while taking a few steps towards his best-friend. ‘Did I do something wrong?’

‘Of course not.’ Josh only says.

‘You weren’t answering any of my calls. You were only texting me once every three weeks. Do you know how many times I was about to leave everything behind and take a plane to LA? I started thinking you were mad at me, that you were blaming me for something I did. I was playing the last few months over and over in my head, to try and understand why you were hating me that much all of a sudden, to try and understand why the fuck you decided to avoid me like this.’

‘I… I don’t hate you.’ Josh says, almost whispering.

‘Then why did you shut me off like this?’ Tyler asks, frustrated.

‘I just… I just needed some space.’ Josh answers. ‘I just needed to be alone, to be away from you for a little while.’

‘But why?’ Tyler repeats, and his voice breaks.

‘I just needed to, alright? We’ve been constantly around each other for the past two years, am I not entitled to have some alone time anymore?’

‘Of course you are.’ Tyler says, but Josh can hear he’s hurt. ‘But… You could have explained, Josh. I would have understood.’ He adds, taking another step towards him to place one of his hands on the back of his neck.

‘I know… I’m sorry.’

Tyler doesn’t say anything and only shifts his hands on his cheeks. Josh knows it’s a way for him to tell him that he understands, a way to invite him to tell him more. But all Josh can feel is the two hands of his best-friend on his cheeks, and how his heartbeats sped up at this gesture. All he can feel is how helplessly in love he is with his best-friend, and suddenly, he just can’t take it anymore, and takes a step backward to avoid Tyler’s touch.

‘What’s wrong?’ Tyler asks, placing one of his hand on his shoulder.

‘Don’t touch me.’ Josh suddenly says, and instantly regrets it.

‘Josh… Talk to me. Please.’ He insists. ‘What’s going on in here?’ He adds, running one of his hands on his best-friend’s black hair.

It’s not the first time Tyler is acting like this, and Josh wishes he could stop, because it only makes him more hopeful than he should be. He’s never been bothered by these sweet gestures before but now he’s very much aware of his feelings for the younger boy, he just can’t help but to over-analyse everything Tyler does. And he hates how that makes him feel.

‘Stop touching me. Please.’ He says another time.

‘Josh, please, stop shutting yourself off. I can tell there’s something else. I only want to help.’

‘But you can’t fucking help, Tyler!’ Josh says, louder. ‘You can’t fucking help.’ He repeats. ‘So please, leave me alone.’

‘Yeah, so you can keep ignoring me like you did for the past three months?’ Tyler snaps.

‘Tyler, don’t push it. Please.’ Josh says.

‘You didn’t talk to me for three fucking months, Josh! You didn’t tell me shit! And maybe it’s true. Maybe you needed to be alone for a while, and trust me, I understand. That’s why I chose to stay here in the first place. I wanted to give you some space, because I thought maybe you needed it, to clear your head a little bit. I know how stressful and nerve wracking it was for you, to play shows every night in front of thousands of people. I know how much it costs you to go out there, and I’m so proud of you for it. But now we’re finally seeing each other again, you expect me to just let go? Well I'm sorry, but not everything is about you. Do you know how hard it was for me to see you shutting yourself off like this? Do you know how hard it was for me to have no clue what you were up to? I know you’re hurting, Josh. I have no idea why, but I know you’re hurt. So, I’m going to ask you one more time, Josh: What the fuck is going on?’

‘You are!’ Josh yells. ‘You’re what’s going on!’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘It means I’ve been in love with my best-friend for six fucking months and knowing that he won’t ever love me back the way I do hurts so much that I can’t even stand being around him anymore.’

Confessing his love for his best-friend was the last thing he had planned to do. He had never planned to say those words to him, and for a solid minute, neither of them says anything and Josh almost convinces himself that he didn’t say these words out loud. That he hasn’t just outed himself to his best-friend. But then, this one is speaking and Josh knows there is no going back.

‘Wh… What?’ Tyler says, whispering, slowly looking up at Josh with wide eyes. ‘But Josh, I… I don’t understand.’

‘Well, there’s nothing to understand, really. I’m just in love with you.’ He explains, lowering his head so he doesn’t have to look at Tyler in the eye.

‘But we’ve known each other for years, how come you just…?’

‘Yeah.’ Josh answers, his eyes still staring at the ground. ‘I know. I guess I’ve been in love with you for much longer than that. I just couldn’t see it.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’ Tyler asks, his tone much colder than a few seconds ago.

‘How I was supposed to tell you, Tyler?’ Josh snaps back at him. ‘Jenna was always around and forgive me if I’m wrong but it’s not something you say in front of your best-friend’s wife.’

‘Stop being sarcastic, Josh, this is serious.’

‘Don’t you think I know that?’ Josh snaps back at him.

‘I don’t know, Josh, do you?’ Tyler says, frustrated.

For a quick second, Josh looks up at his best-friend and this one is taking a few steps backward, running both of his hands through his hair with a loud sigh. Josh doesn’t answer anything, because Tyler is reacting exactly how Josh expected him to react, and he just knows there’s nothing he can say to ease him.

‘I can’t.’ Tyler finally says after a while. ‘I can’t deal with this shit, right now.’

‘Oh yeah… Sorry, I’ll just shut my feelings off and then you’ll be able to just go back to normal.’

‘Don’t be like this!’ Tyler yells. ‘Did you even think what it could be like for me? Did you even think about our friendship? Do you even realize in what position you’re putting me in?’

‘What about me, Tyler?’ Josh says, even louder. ‘What about me?’ He adds. ‘Do you think you can stop, for at least one fucking second, to make everything about yourself? Do you think you can do that?’

‘Don’t you-‘

‘No, you listen to me, this time, Tyler. It wasn’t easy for me, alright? Seeing you with Jenna all the fucking time. It was hard. It was so hard. But I suck It up because I knew nothing good would happen If I told you the truth. So, I decided to leave, instead. To try and get over you. And trust me when I say it’s probably one of the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Not answering your calls, or your texts, it was killing me. Because I knew I was hurting you and the last thing I want is for you to get hurt. So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ignoring you for so long, I really am. I realize how wrong it was, now. But don’t you dare blame me for my feelings. You don’t get to blame me for this, Tyler. You don’t get to blame me for something I have no control over. This isn’t on me. And I’m so tired of feeling guilty about it. Because it’s not my fault, alright? I didn’t ask for any of this. I’m sorry if it puts you in a difficult position but I don’t expect you to do anything about it. You can go on living your life. I don’t expect you to change anything because of me. I just expect you to understand. I’m in love with you. That’s just it. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, alright? Our friendship doesn’t have to be an issue. I’m still your best-friend, above anything else. Me loving you doesn’t mean our friendship has to change.’

‘Josh, I…’

‘You know what the worst part is? The worst part is that you keep flirting with me, all the time. I don’t even know if you’re aware of it, and I’m not saying it’s wrong, I’m just saying it wasn’t making it easier. But I don’t blame you for this because that’s how we’ve always been. No, what I’m blaming you for is the way you’re always putting yourself in the center of everything. And I don’t even know why I’m surprised, really, because I knew you would react the way you did. I knew you would make everything about you, once again. And I hope that this time, you’ll understand that this isn’t only about you. It’s also about me. So maybe you should stop being so full of yourself, and take my feelings into consideration, alright?’

 ‘Josh, please, I… I never meant to undermine your feelings, and you know that.’ Tyler says,

‘Maybe. But that’s still what you just did.’

Josh doesn’t say anything else and turns around, going back to his house without even looking back at Tyler one more time. This one stays there, motionless, and can’t hold back the tears from rolling down his cheeks. What Josh had just said hurt him a lot more than he thought it would. He’s angry at him, but he’s mostly angry at himself. Josh has been his fest-friend for more than ten years now and he hates himself for being the reason of his unease and for not having seen the signs. When he woke up this morning, he was so far away from thinking his best-friend could be in love with him and now Josh has just said it, he just can’t find it in himself to be shocked.

He stays immobile for a few more minutes until Jordan opens the front door and makes his way towards him, giving him a small and sad smile.

‘Did he tell you?’ Jordan asks.

‘You… You knew about it?’ Tyler says, confused.

‘He just told me this morning.’ He answers. ‘Please don’t be mad at him, alright? He’s already hurting enough as it is.’

‘He lied to me, Jordan. He lied to me for six fucking months, and you expect me to just be okay with everything and act like nothing fucking happened? Like he hadn’t just told me he was in love with me? Of all people?’

‘I’ve never said that. And for what it’s worth, no, I don’t think you should act like nothing happened. You should adjust your relationship, take into account what he just told you and try to make it easier for him.’

‘But why should I be the only one to make all the efforts in here?’

‘Do you hear yourself talking, Tyler? Do you realize how selfish you sounded? We both know Josh is trying so fucking hard to make this relationship work. Telling you the truth is already a huge step forward. Putting himself out there and telling you what was weighing on him, I don’t think you realize how brave it is. Now it’s your turn to do something. The ball is in your court.’

Tyler doesn’t answer anything and only stays quiet for a while. He feels powerless and overwhelmed by the whole thing. Everyone around him already seem to want him to act but he didn’t even have time to think about it, to think about what he’s supposed to do, to clear his head and try to take a decision.

‘Listen Jordan, I love him alright? I love him so much. I don’t think he realizes how much he means to me. But he just caught me off-guard. I just need to think about what it all means, and right now I can’t do that. I’m just… I can’t. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s alright.’ Jordan says. ‘I guess I can understand it came as quite a shock to you. But please, don’t take too long, alright? I can tell he’s in a bad place.’

‘I promise.’ Tyler says, making his way towards his car. He’s about to get in when he suddenly turns around to speak. ‘Jordan? Keep an eye on him, would you?’

‘I will.’ Jordan says, turning around.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s been three days. And Tyler has done nothing else than to lie down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t tell Jenna anything about the situation, and he can feel that this one is getting frustrated with him. She’s never really asked about it, though, and Tyler knows she can feel it’s important and that’s why she doesn’t push him.

He still hasn’t said anything to Josh. He tried. A few hundredth times. But he just can’t convey his thoughts to the other boy. Nothing seems to be good enough. Words aren’t enough. They just aren’t enough. He wishes he could tell him how much he loves him. He wishes he could tell him how much his heart aches every single time he thinks about the pain he must be in. He wishes he could tell him how many times he cried during these past few days, when he thinks Jenna is not looking. He wishes he could tell him how bad he wants to hold him in his arms and never let go. But he can’t. Something is holding him back, and he can’t quite figure out what it is.

He’s lying on his bed, now. It’s late at night but his eyes are wide open. He doesn’t think he’s slept more than two hours for the past three days. He’s used to the insomnia but tonight, it feels worse. Tonight, he can feel that every inch of his body craves to let go, but his heart is racing, and his brain is working faster than ever, and he just  _can’t sleep_.

‘Jen?’ He dares saying after a few minutes.

‘Yeah?’ She says with a tired voice. ‘What is it, honey?’

Tyler is convinced that she knows he’s about to talk of something important. He’s convinced she knows he’s going to talk about Josh. Deep conversations like this one always happen at night, and this time isn’t any different.

‘Is it about Josh?’ She asks, and Tyler can’t help but to let out a small smile.

‘Yeah.’ He answers, almost whispering.

For a few minutes, neither of them says anything, and the room is filled with a silence only waiting to be broken. Tyler’s heart is pounding so fast against his chest he’s afraid it might explode.

‘He’s in love with me.’ He says, and his voice breaks. ‘He told me three days ago and I… I was so mean to him, Jen. He must be in so much pain and I… I acted like a complete dipcrap, and now he’s mad at me and he probably thinks I hate him and it’s the last thing I want him to think. I love him so much, sometimes it even scares me a little. I just don’t know what to do. He’s my best-friend, Jen, I can’t lose him.’

‘Alright, Tyler, take a deep breathe, okay? Can you do that for me?’ Jenna says, waiting for Tyler to calm himself down a little bit to continue. ‘You’re not going to lose him, okay? You two are inseparable, nothing can tear you apart. But you should talk to him, Tyler. You really should. Have you tried to call him or send him a text since you’ve had this talk?’

‘No, I… I tried. So many times, but I just can’t. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.’

‘Well, tell him what you just told me, alright? Call him now.’

‘Now? It’s three am Jen, I don’t want to wake him up.’

‘I’m sure he’s not sleeping but you should at least send him a text, alright? You’ll feel better, and he will too. And the both of you will finally be able to catch up on sleep. I know you haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I can’t imagine how it must be like for Josh. Talk to him.’

Tyler nods and thanks her silently before taking his cell-phone he had placed on his bedside table. He squints his eyes and waits a little bit, so they can adjust to the light of his screen. He takes a deep breath and opens his conversation with Josh, sighing when he realizes the last text he sends him was three weeks old. He has no clue what he’s supposed to write but he keeps Jenna’s advice in mind and after about ten tries, he finally is able to come up with something he’s not completely proud of, but that he feels might do the job of conveying what he feels as best as possible.

_‘Josh,_

_If I just woke you up, I’m truly sorry, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel right now, and I’m sorry I’ve made you wait for so long. I tried to text you a thousand times, but nothing seemed to do the job, you know how hell of a perfectionist I am (sorry, that wasn’t funny). I’ll make sure to call you first thing in the morning, but in the meantime, I just wanted you to know how sorry I am to have reacted that way. It was immature, and incredibly selfish of me._

_Josh, you’re the last person I want to hurt, and the guilt has kept me awake at night for three days now. But as you said, this isn’t about me. This is about you, and how you feel. And just know that from now on, I will do everything I can to make you fully comfortable around me. If you feel like you need to step out for a while, then I’ll give you some space. Your feelings won’t change anything between us. You’re still my best fren, and I love you so fucking much. Much more than you know. Maybe just as much as you do. I’m just not sure I can give you what you want. Please forgive me for every awful thing I said to you._

_I adore you. Tyler.’_

Tyler reads the message a few times before deciding to send it. Jenna seems to be asleep next to him, and he looks at her for a few minutes before bringing all his attention back to the screen of his phone when Josh’s answer comes up. He can feel his heart skips a beat because of how anxious he is.

_‘I don’t know what to say except that distancing myself from you is the last thing I want at the moment. I’ve already tried that, and it only made things worse. Thank you for being so understanding. And I love you too, in case it wasn’t clear enough.’_

Tyler can’t help but to let out a small laugh at the last part of the message, and if he can feel butterflies come alive in his chest, nobody needs to know about it. Because in that moment, he doesn’t think he’s ever felt that much affection for somebody else.

_‘I love you.’_

He’s wondering for a few seconds if he should send these three words but finally decides to do it, because he’s only stating the truth.

 

* * *

 

 

One week has passed, and they have seen each other a few times. At first, Tyler was being very careful not to say or do anything that could make Josh uncomfortable, he was constantly analyzing his every move but being with Josh always gave him a weird liberating feeling and it didn’t take him too long to just go back to how he was acting around him. He was pretty sure he was even more affectionate than usual, but he couldn’t quite understand why. He just knew he needed to feel Josh close to him.

Things were still a little bit awkward and Josh definitely acted more shy but Tyler knew he probably only needed some time to clear his head a little bit. They’ve had a phone meeting with the label this morning, to discuss the future release of the album, and it has gone well, considering everything they were doing to try and get away from their expectations.

He's at Mark now. This one invited him over for dinner and even though he didn't really feel like going, it has been such a long time since he has last seen him, he hasn't been able to say no. 

‘How have you been doing?’ Tyler asks. ‘It’s been a while.’

‘I’m doing okay. Taking pictures here and there, you know. I can’t wait for you guys to be on the road again, though.’

‘Yeah, we can’t wait either.’ Tyler agrees. ‘But I needed the break.’

‘I bet you did.’ Mark says, handing him the red-bull. Tyler thanks him silently and takes a quick sip before looking back at his friend, once again. ‘How are things going? With Jenna? Josh?’ He asks, trying to sound casual but Tyler instantly lets out a muffled laugh, rolling his eyes.

‘Mark, I don’t know if you’re trying to be discreet about the whole thing, but you make it very obvious that you want to talk about the Josh situation. He told you, didn’t he?’

‘Yeah.’ Mark admits. ‘Two days ago.’

‘It’s killing me.’ Tyler says. ‘This whole thing. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s always stuck in my head, no matter what I do. Ever since he told me about it, I just… I can’t sleep. I just need to know he’s okay, all the time, and I don’t even know why this had such a huge impact on me.’

‘Tyler, I don’t want you to get mad at me, but I’m pretty sure a part of you already knows the answer to that question, and just refuses to admit it.’

‘What do you mean?’ Tyler says.

‘You love him.’ Mark says. ‘Don’t you?’

‘Of course, I do, Mark, he’s my best-friend. Do you have any other stupid questions?’

‘I know you love him, Tyler, I’m not a complete moron. What I’m asking you is: are you _in love_ with him?’

‘What do you mean, Am I in love with him, Mark!’ Tyler says, louder. ‘I married Jenna.’

‘And? Just because you married her doesn’t mean you can’t be in love him’

‘It fucking does!’ Tyler snaps back at him, and he can feel he’s getting angrier every second. ‘In case you still didn’t know, a wedding is something pretty huge, Mark.’

‘I’m aware of that, Tyler.’

‘Then shut up and stop trying to ruin it!’

‘For Christ’s sake, Tyler, I’m not trying to ruin anything! You know damn well that I really like Jenna. This isn’t the issue, here. The issue is that I asked you one question, and you still haven’t answered it.’

‘I just did! Two fucking times!’

‘No, you didn’t. You’ve been avoiding it two times already. Are you in love with Josh? Yes or No?’

‘I’m not… I just… Why are you asking me this?’

‘Because I’m sure you didn’t even take the time to consider it.’ Mark says. ‘Listen, Tyler, I’m not the bad guy here. I just want to be sure you’re not rushing into it. I just want to make sure you won’t take a decision you’re gonna regret later. I’ve known you for years, Ty, and what you have with Josh, it… I’ve never seen something quite like it before. You’ve always been so close to each other, it’s crazy how intimate you are, sometimes. You’re always holding hands, hugging, sleeping in the same bunk, well at least until Jenna came into the picture. And I’m not a stalker, but I’ve been following you on tour enough to see that you’re nearly always the one to try and get closer to him, not the other way around. You’re flirting with him all the time and you’re not even aware of it.’

‘I don’t… I’m not flirting with him.’

‘You do. All the time. Josh even told me that he thought you were interested at some point. You’re basically already acting like a couple, and If I didn’t know you were married to Jenna, I’d be convinced you two were a thing. And I’m not trying to tell you you’re in love with him. I’m not in your head. I can’t guess how you really feel, but I just wanted you to have an external point of view on the matter. Because I’m just scared you’re only listening to your brain, once again, without taking your own feelings into consideration.’

At that point, Tyler is only standing there, open-mouthed, without having the slightest idea whether he should trust Mark. He's one of his best-friends and he’s always been so smart and clear-sighted, for as long as he can remember, but he's calling everything into question and Tyler isn’t sure if he's able to do the same.

‘You’re wrong.’ He says, without even believing it himself.

‘Alright.’ Mark answers, and Tyler hates him for not insisting.

‘You clearly saw something that wasn’t there.’ He continues.

‘Okay. I’m sorry.’ Mark says. Tyler hates him a little bit more.

‘You’re full of shit, Mark.’ He says one last time, leaving the kitchen. He’s about to open the door of Mark’s flat when his friend speaks again.

‘Tyler, before you go, can I ask you one more question?’ He asks, not waiting for Tyler’s answer to continue. ‘If you’re so convinced I’m wrong, why are you getting so worked up by what I just said?’

‘Because none of this is true and I’m tired of your fucking nonsense.’ He answers, slamming the door of Mark’s flat.

He goes down the stairs and can’t help but to shiver with cold when he feels the soft breeze on his face. He starts walking, without having any idea of where he wants to go, he just lets his feet take the decision on their own. He walks for hours, and a thousand of questions bump into each other in his head, a thousand questions with no answers. Then, he starts thinking of what mark said what he thinks is a few minutes ago. He starts thinking of his relationship with Josh, of how much he loves him and how this feeling can overwhelm him sometimes. He starts thinking of Jenna, and suddenly his head hurts, and he finds himself standing in front of Josh’s house, at nearly midnight.

He doesn’t hesitate a long time before knocking on the door and feels weirdly guilty when Josh’s father opens the door for him, shirtless, and with a tired and confused look on his face.

‘Tyler? What are you doing here?’

‘Hum… Is Josh there?’

‘Yeah. Come on in.’ His father says. He seems to get that it’s something that can’t wait until the morning. ‘He’s in his room. But I think he’s already asleep. He hasn’t been feeling very well these past few days, we don’t really know why. But I guess you were the first one to know about it, as always.’

‘Yeah, it’s… It’s complicated.’ He says. ‘Sorry for the bother.’

‘Don’t mention it.’

Josh’s father quickly disappear from his field of vision and Tyler doesn’t wait any longer to climb the stairs and step in his best-friend’s room. And it’s only when he closes the door behind him that it hits him.

_What am I doing?_

He’s standing there, in the middle of Josh’s room. The curtains are closed, his best-friend is sleeping on his own bed, and he’s _standing there_ , in complete darkness, and he doesn’t have any idea what he’s doing. He stays there for a while, holding his breathe, and his eyes suddenly fall on Josh’s face. This one is sleeping, lying on his left side, his mouth agape, and Tyler can’t stop a small smile from stretching his lips. He looks peaceful. He then looks at his hair and he like to think that Josh went back to his natural color because he’s always said it’s his favorite one. His eyes have slightly adjusted to the dark and he can now notice the Death Cab and the x-files posters still hanging on his wall, and a sudden wave of nostalgia goes through his body. He remembers the numerous nights he spent in there, playing Mario Kart or simply talking with his best-friend. Now he thinks about it, he was already full of love for the other boy back then.

He stays immobile a few more minutes before taking off his shoes, his shirt and his pants, before slipping under his best-friend’s duvet. It’s a small bed but Josh is curled up on the left side, which leaves plenty of room for him. He watches Josh’s face closely and he can’t help but to flash a small smile when he notices the small freckles adorning his nose. He knows Josh hates them, but he has always loved them, he has always thought they made him look adorable. He has never taken the time to admire every single detail of Josh’s face and he wonders why. His best-friend is beautiful, inside and out, and he realizes, now, how lucky he is to have him around. He’s hit by the realization and a few tears roll down his cheeks, suddenly feeling very guilty. He has always taken this relationship for granted and he hasn’t been careful enough. And now, he only really wants to keep the other boy safe.

He's still looking at him, and a few strands of his black hair have fallen onto his forehead; Tyler bites his lower lip for a few seconds before tucking the hair back behind his ear, repeating the gesture a couple of times, until Josh starts grumbling in his sleep. For a few seconds, Tyler is afraid he just woke him up but his best-friend only changes position, unconsciously placing one of his legs between Tyler’s. This one doesn’t say anything and keeps playing with his black hair for a while and eventually lets his thumb slide down from his ear to his jaw, smiling when Josh only cuddles up to him a little more.

‘Tyler?’ Josh says, with a raspy voice.

‘Yeah.’ He whispers.

‘How long have you been watching me sleep?’

‘A while?’ Tyler says, almost shyly.

‘Stalker.’ Josh answers, and Tyler lets out a small laugh, pressing his lips on his cheek. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I…I don’t really know.’

‘Does Jenna know you’re here?’ Josh asks, his eyes still closed.

‘No.’

And then, Josh only sighs and slowly opens his eyes, wrapping his arm around Tyler’s torso to take his cell-phone. He unlocks it and Tyler watches him as he writes a quick text to his wife.

_‘Tyler’s sleeping at my parent’s. He’s safe.’_

_‘Thanks god, I’ve been worried sick. Take care of him, alright?’_

_‘Of course.’_

And as Tyler’s eyes fall on his wife’s text, tears are suddenly gathering in his eyes, and the next thing he knows, he’s bursting into tears next to his best-friend. Josh only brings him a little closer by putting his arms around his waist and placing one of his hands on his hair.

‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’ Tyler says, sobbing. ‘Josh.’ He adds. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’

‘Shh.’ Josh only answers. ‘Everything’s going to be okay, Tyler.’

‘It’s not.’ Tyler contradicts him. ‘It’s not. I’ve ruined everything.’

‘You didn’t ruin anything, Tyler. You’re just lost.’

‘I just… I’ve talked to Mark.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah. He invited me over, and…. We talked about you, and he kept saying I… He kept asking me If I was in love with you.’ He starts explaining, his head buried into Josh’s neck. ‘And I got so fucking mad at him. And then I walked for hours and I… I couldn’t get his words out of my head. I couldn’t get you out of my head. And now I can’t stop thinking that maybe I’ve made a mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t have married Jenna. I mean, I really like her but… But there’s you, and I… I love you so much, Josh.’

Tyler is crying even harder than before and he finds himself snuggling up with Josh a little more. This one hasn’t said anything yet and keeps running his hand through Tyler’s hair.

‘I think I might be in love with you too.’ Tyler eventually says, almost whispering. ‘I think I might have been in love with you for years. I just didn’t want to see it.’

Josh suddenly moves away a little bit, so he can look at him in the eye. Tyler slowly looks up at him and lets Josh places his thumbs on his cheeks to wipe his tears.

‘Josh?’

‘Yeah. I’m right there.’ He says.

‘Can… Can I kiss you?’ He asks. ‘Only once.’

‘Tyler… I don’t think that’s a good idea. There’s Jenna. I don’t want to do that to her. And I… I just… If I do that, and then, you just… You just decide it was a mistake, I… I don’t know if I’ll be able to forget about you. Ever.’

‘Please.’ Tyler says. ‘Only this one time. I Just… I know how selfish it sounds but I don’t… I need to be sure. Please.’

For a while, Josh doesn’t say anything and as Tyler is about to speak and tell him that he was sorry for asking such a thing, he can suddenly feel warm lips against his. His heart skips a beat and he’s not sure of what he’s supposed to do but luckily, his body seems to take the decisions on its own and his left hand eventually finds its way on Josh’s cheek to deepen the kiss. It only lasts a few seconds until Josh moves away.

‘How… How was it, then?’ Josh asks, and Tyler doesn’t waste any longer to crash their lips together once again. He knows he promised it would only be this one time, but he can’t bring himself to stop. He climbs on top of Josh and sighs happily when this one places both of his hand on the back of his neck, bringing him closer. Neither of them wears something else than a pair of boxer and Tyler lets out a small whimper when his hips start touching Josh’s. It’s only when he starts grinding against his best-friend that Josh seems to be brought back to reality and pushes Tyler away.

‘Stop. We can’t. We can’t do that. Not now. Trust me. You’ll regret it in the morning.’

‘Yeah… Maybe… Maybe you’re right.’ Tyler answers, blushing. ‘I just… I just got carried away.’

‘What… What are you gonna do about it, then?’ Josh asks, and Tyler can hear the fear in his voice.

He sighs for a few seconds and lie down on his back to stare at the ceiling. Josh has wrapped an arm around his waist and as the tips of his fingers trace the outlines of his different tattoos, everything soon clicks into place. It’s not going to be easy, and Tyler knows it probably will be the hardest thing he will ever have to do, but maybe he’s allowed to listen to himself, for once.

‘I’m gonna break up with Jenna.’

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler is standing in front of his front door, trying to gather all the courage he doesn’t know he has. When he woke up this morning in Josh’s arms, he had been so far away from thinking that it would be this hard. Because in that moment, he only cared about him, about how safe he was feeling. And it all felt so natural, that Tyler thought that maybe breaking up with Jenna wouldn’t be so hard after all. But he was wrong. She had been his wife for more than two years now, and she probably was the most understanding person he had met. She doesn’t deserve any of this. She deserves so much more than what Tyler will ever be able to give her. He just doesn’t know if he’s brave enough to tell her the truth.

 _‘I’m freaking out, Josh.’_ He decides to send him.

_‘Tyler, you don’t have to tell her now if you feel like it isn’t the right time.’_

_‘It will never feel like it’s the right time. And I want to be with you. I really do. I’m just scared.’_

_‘What are you scared of?’_

_‘I know it’s stupid but what if I break up with her and then you just don’t want us to be together anymore, or think that we were better-off as friends? I don’t want this to happen.’_

_‘Tyler, I’m in love with you. This is real. You’re not going to lose me, alright?’_

_‘Okay.’_

He enters his house, slowly, and puts his car keys on the kitchen table, as he always does. For a minute or two, he thinks that no one is home but then he can see Jenna waiting for him on the sofa. She smiles at him and it’s all it takes for Tyler to lower his head with guilt. Because she knows that a long and painful conversation awaits them both. He’s sure of it. She always sees right through him, even when he’s on the other side of the planet. She just knows.

He tries to smile back at her but fails and just sits on a couch right next to her. He had thought of telling her so many things but now he’s in front of her, he just can’t bring himself to pronounce a single word. He’s running his hand through his hair and just sighs. There is no good way to tell her the truth.

‘Jenna, I’m sorry.’ He says. ‘I… I did something bad.’

‘You’re in love with him. Aren’t you?’ Jenna asks, and Tyler is not even surprised to see that there is no judgement in her voice. She’s always been too good for him.

‘I… I am.’ He answers. ‘I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, I just… It just happened. And please, don’t blame Josh. Please. He has been nothing but respectful to you. It’s on me. All of this is on me.’

‘Tyler, I don’t blame him. And I certainly don’t blame you. You can’t control how you feel.’ She says, and Tyler can’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. She has been nothing but supportive, for as long as he can remember, and he hates himself for doing that to her.

‘I’m sorry.’ He says, and his voice breaks. ‘I really do love you.’

‘I know, Tyler. I know you do.’

‘I love you so much.’ He repeats, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his jumper. ‘I just… I just don’t know If I was ever in love with you.’ He adds. ‘I really thought I was, but… He’s just…’

‘He’s just Josh.’ She concludes with a sad smile.

‘I… We kissed. Last night.’

‘Okay.’ She says, and Tyler cries a little more when he hears the disappointment in her voice. ‘Did you do something more than kissing?’

‘No.’ He instantly answers. ‘No. We just kissed.’ He repeats. ‘But it’s… I know it was wrong. I should have come to you first.’

‘You should.’ Jenna only agrees. ‘Tyler, it’s okay.’

‘No, it’s not.’ He answers. ‘It’s really not. You’re the last person I wanted to hurt and I just… I can’t understand why you’re not getting mad at me.’

‘We’re both grown-ups, Tyler, and I can’t blame you for loving another person, especially Josh. He’s always been so good to you. Sometimes, a little bit much.’

‘He still is.’

‘Tyler, I’m not gonna say it doesn’t hurt. Because it does. A lot. But I could never be mad at you for falling in love with him. And please, don’t blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault. This isn’t anyone’s fault.’ She says, and Tyler's heart breaks when he sees some tears rolling down her cheeks.

He just nods and doesn’t waste any second longer to wrap his arms around her. Jenna stays motionless for a few seconds but eventually places her chin on his shoulder, and Tyler only holds her a little tighter.

‘Can I ask you something?’

 ‘Of course.’

‘How does it feel? To be with him?’

A small smile stretches his lips and Tyler remains silent for a few seconds, eventually closing his eyes to try and picture himself with Josh. His heart melts just thinking about him.

Answering a question has never been easier.

 ‘It feels like home.’   

**Author's Note:**

> I was proud of this fic ten minutes ago but then I reread it and I just think it's shit. But i'm pretty much I'm saying that with most of my fics, and you always seem to like them anyway, so I'd be glad to have your opinions, once again.  
> Also, this is a gift for TwoBoysInABand because she helped me with some tiny parts of the fic and also because she's a very good friend.


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